Posts by Donna White50

Roger Doyle said:The way I approach everything in life is still dictated by my mother’s mindset. I have never managed to carve out an independent identity for myself. That is the core of the problem. If you attempt to act according to your own logic rather than hers, she makes sure you know it—both through her words and her actions. She isn't even aware of what she's doing. She belongs to that specific breed of people who will spit on your very soul and then somehow convince you that *you* are the one who hurt *them*, leaving you scrambling to beg for forgiveness. My father passed away a few years ago, and that might be the primary reason I haven't found the strength to break away from her, or why she refuses to let me go. If anyone has any advice, please leave it here. I have tried every possible tactic, but I simply cannot make sense of her.

Narcissists are actually super insecure and fragile deep down—they use that narcissistic persona just to keep a tight grip on everything. That’s where that obsession with having everything their way comes from, trying to steer everyone else to fit their mold, and then flipping the script to blame the victim because they just can't own up to their own stuff. Her personality is basically fragile and immature; she can't handle other people being individuals because it makes her feel exposed. Plus, she can't deal with being imperfect because that would make her "bad" in her eyes, so she builds her entire sense of worth on things like family status, money, looks, and all that...

The sad part is, narcissists don't have the capacity to grasp how much their actions hurt or to see what other people actually need. They just don't have it in them—it's like an emotional deficit. Without that mask, they're totally vulnerable, and that exposure is their absolute worst nightmare. They just can't stomach being wrong, admitting they messed up the upbringing, or realizing their family isn't perfect. They can't stand not being admired or losing their sense of importance compared to everyone else.

What you can actually do is set boundaries, though I know that’s incredibly tough when you're still financially tied to your mother. It's a whole lot easier once you're living on your own, so if I can give any advice, it's to find a job and get that financial independence. Once you aren't relying on her, you can finally set those boundaries and actually grow as a person.
You've already tried on your own and seen it doesn't work, mostly because she won't let you be your own person without controlling you. There isn't some magic method to make her understand what she's been putting you through your whole life. Narcissists are just wired that way—difficult, sensitive, and totally incapable of seeing anyone else's needs...

quietdriver21 said:Hello everyone.

Look, there is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time now, so I decided to bring it to the forum to see if anyone else out there shares this particular sense of melancholy.

I am twenty-one years old, financially independent, and living on my own here in Washington, D.C. My career is actually progressing quite well; at the end of most months, I even have a surplus left over, which I promptly funnel into my savings. Given the current economic climate in America, I suppose this would be considered an enviable life, and many people in my social circle certainly tell me so. Yet, internally, I have been struggling lately.

The reality is that whenever I am not working, I spend the vast majority of my time lost in thought regarding heavy topics like macroeconomics, personal finance, and long-term investments. I don't see my friends nearly as often as I used to, mostly because they are buried under the crushing workload of their engineering programs—which are notoriously demanding—and I find myself increasingly short on time as well. My closest friend lives in a different state entirely, so I only manage to catch up with him maybe two or three times a month. Sometimes, while commuting to the office, I pass by groups of high school kids and I can't help but reflect on my own days in secondary school, which leaves me feeling strangely aged.

It isn't that I harbor any desire to go back to being a child, having my parents pay for everything while I sit around doing nothing. I genuinely value my independence, I take pride in earning my own way, and I am quite satisfied with my professional path. It’s just that I have this persistent, nagging sensation that everything moved far too quickly—that life transitioned from carefree to dead serious almost overnight. I miss the regular camaraderie and the mindless, spontaneous fun with my friends; I miss those times when we could do something completely ridiculous just for the sake of it, or make a sudden decision without a second thought. Nowadays, meeting up feels like scheduling a corporate board meeting: you have to coordinate calendars and confirm locations well in advance. That era of just showing up at a buddy's house unannounced, knocking on the door, and heading out into the night is gone.

As I mentioned, I spend a lot of time planning ahead and obsessing over the future, but sometimes, when these thoughts hit me, I find myself looking through old photos or listening to songs that trigger childhood memories, and I end up in tears simply knowing that those days are never coming back.

It sounds like you’re feeling "old," but really it's more like feeling lost—like there's no real direction or big goals waiting for you down the road.
Basically, you hit one of those life crossroads where you were supposed to find something new to push you forward, but maybe things were just too comfortable? So you didn't feel the need to move, and now you're stuck in this weird limbo, just dwelling on nostalgia for a past that isn't coming back...
Look, everyone goes through phases like this. You just gotta set some goals—figure out what actually makes you happy and where you want to steer your life. Where do you see yourself in five years? Go meet a girl, make some new friends, pick up a sport or a hobby... just turn those drifting thoughts into actual, concrete things...
If you don't, you're gonna spiral into a funk because nothing feels exciting enough anymore. The truth is, the world is massive and there's an endless supply of challenges out there, but you're just hesitant to dive into any of them... and that's the real issue. You're stalled out, just waiting around, which leads to that lack of drive, that feeling of having no future, and all that sadness over how things used to be...
You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, man. You're in your prime and you're already financially set—you've got girls, relationships, career moves, travel, parties, new people, events... the whole world is basically yours for the taking...😉

Samuel Price6 said:There was a time when I felt like I actually had the agency to change things. To reshape the world around me. I didn't quite pull it off. Now, stepping into my 30s, the work has shifted inward... I have to change myself instead.
But there’s a certain melody to it—that sweet spot where sound meets thought—and in that rhythm, I refuse to back down...

This whole process of making peace with reality? It honestly infuriates me.
Why on earth should I be forced to bend to the circumstances we find ourselves in?
Why shouldn't I be allowed to remain an eternal rebel, provided I have a damn good reason?
Isn't it actually more soul-crushing to become compliant and apathetic than it is to stubbornly hold onto your convictions?

Who am I supposed to make amends with?
Do I reconcile with myself, or do I settle with the world?

And who is actually at fault here?
Does someone *have* to be the villain?
It’s just how it is.
I’ve never had much stomach for being herded like cattle or pushed into a mindless pack. I want to think for myself... I want what’s best for society...
But those compromises—the ones where you start accepting the very realities you used to fight tooth and nail when you were younger—that feels like a betrayal of the soul.
It’s incredibly hard to go against your own nature...

It’s a heavy weight for any man to carry mentally...

Life is basically one long exercise in pivoting. Every living thing on this planet tries to adapt just to survive, and people do the same—trying to find their little niche where they can actually make an impact.
You can't run away from the world or other people, and honestly, you shouldn't try. Just learn how to take what you need while giving back enough so that everyone stays fed and nobody gets left behind.

If you only ever play by your own rules without looking around, you're just gonna end up on the fringes—unless that's where you actually feel at home and find yourself.

Either way, there's nothing special about being a sheep, because there's zero upside to it (most people are sheep anyway). The goal is to stay true to who you are while still making sure you're happy and taken care of. Usually, that means having a social life, some career success, a family, friends, and doing stuff you actually enjoy...
Life's a bitch—either figure it out or give it hell...😁

Anthony Perez28 said:Yes, they do.
http://cnn.com/world/news/people-need-to-be-shamed/

http://nytimes.com/news/article/national-crisis-report/

http://foxnews.com/us/crime/tragedy-in-the-midwest/

http://washingtonpost.com/world/global-migration-trends/

http://abcnews.go.com/crime/tragic-loss-of-child/

Do you see where I'm coming from, or do I need to spell it out further?

Nope, I still don't get you people. Sorry. Now you can go back to crying in your silk-sheeted beds.🤣 Later.

Dužn owes an answer to this provocation.
Look, it’s pretty obvious that people all over the US—and honestly everywhere else too—are dealing with massive existential stuff, refugees, starvation, and things like that. Those are heavy situations that make those of us who haven't lived through them wonder a lot about life. But at the end of the day, wealthy people deal with sickness just like everyone else, and they grieve lost jobs, broken friendships, breakups, divorces, or losing family members. None of us are immune to that. It’s just life, and it hits everyone regardless of whether you're driving a luxury car or a beat-up sedan, or sleeping on cheap sheets or high-end silk. The absolute worst thing you can do is judge someone just because they've been successful or have money, and then refuse to see them as actual human beings... I really hope the author doesn't take this bait personally. There's no reason to assume she didn't work her tail off for everything she has, probably facing disappointment, exhaustion, sadness, and plenty of tough times along the way...

graniteeagle3 said:But could this stop happening once the OCD passes and those thoughts are gone?
Your answers are, as always, fantastic. Thank you so much.👍

Nah, what you're feeling right now is strictly because of the OCD. Once you finally get your head straight regarding all that nonsense, you won't be spiraling like this anymore—or at least, you'll learn how to spot the pattern and just stop giving it any weight. Right now, you're totally caught up in the drama... you're living in a movie, man. Spending from sunrise to sunset exhausting your brain like that... honestly, anyone sane would lose their mind if they spent that much energy obsessing over the same thing over and over...
I've been through the ringer myself—depression, anxiety, panic attacks, even some pretty gnarly phobias over nothing, plus OCD tied to phobias and sexuality. So yeah, I know exactly what this feels like, which is why I'm talking to you like this...😉

Anthony Perez28 said:🤣 🤣 sorry, but... 🤣 🤦

Look, lady, sorry, but I don't really have much sympathy for situations like yours. People deal with actual, life-altering crises, you know? Go online, browse any major US news site, pick up a newspaper, and actually read about what people are going through. Maybe then you’ll realize that your "struggle" is mostly internal and that you're actually doing quite well for yourself.

Stop whining about your "tragic" fate and try being useful to someone else for a change instead of just dwelling on yourself. 🙄

Nobody out there has bigger problems than everyone else does with their OWN lives.
Life is tough for everybody, whether you're some prince or just struggling to get by—everyone cries about something, we're all human...
Honestly, you should really take a second to think about what you actually have in life, and realize that most problems aren't actually that huge if they can be fixed. You just gotta put in the work.
I'm actually in a pretty similar spot to this user—married, good job, money in the bank, savings and all—but man, we all have our own stuff that makes us question things or feel down from time to time...

Amanda Wood2 said:Thanks for the reply.
Honestly, I'm not even sure if I'm satisfied anymore.
The moment I actually made it in my career—I mean, I became the youngest director at a massive corporation at 27—everything else fell apart. My friends bailed, and so did my boyfriend. I came home with champagne to celebrate, only to find him packing his bags. He's one of those guys who can't handle a woman being more successful than him. Some friends turned jealous, and others just decided we had nothing left to talk about.
As for my parents? There's nothing there. My dad thinks I'm incompetent and stupid, and he makes sure I know it. My mom is just terrified to say anything or stand up to him.
I had big dreams—running ultramarathons, getting a PhD, becoming an executive, buying a house, traveling... I hit most of those marks, or they're right on the horizon. I've even got new goals, but clearly, I haven't figured out how to navigate this world yet.
I end my days crying in a massive silk bed.

When I'm sad, what am I thinking about? Just how much I miss having someone to lean on and hold me.

Look, you are an incredibly successful woman, and I truly tip my hat to everything you've achieved.
The thing you really need to realize is that people just drift in and out of our lives. The ones who actually respect you will stick around, but most others—the jealous types or the users—they’ll just drop anchor and leave. Don't let your father or anyone else put you down, period. That’s his own baggage to deal with; he has absolutely zero business meddling in your life, your goals, or your career.

If a guy walked out because he was jealous—which, let's face it, some guys are just wired that way—it just means he wasn't worth your time, let alone your tears.
Try to get out there and meet people who actually value you.
You've smashed your professional goals, and you've got the luck, the brains, and the drive, but you're missing that emotional piece of the puzzle. We aren't robots, you know? Money, a nice apartment, or a fancy car might provide comfort, but they can't hold you at night or tell you something kind when you need it. Focus on building connections with high-quality people... give yourself a chance to find new friends and maybe even a new love...
Money definitely makes life easier and lets you treat yourself, but it also makes people less sympathetic toward you. In their eyes, you've got the money and the big job, so why bother complaining? They think you shouldn't be sad or struggling, which makes it hard to find common ground. That's just how it goes sometimes—you win some, you lose some. Just try to listen to your gut and figure out what's actually missing.
Keep your head up and do what makes you happy. There's no such thing as a perfect life, and the cards are never perfectly dealt... once you meet new people, a new passion or a new love will come along and give everything meaning again...😉

Amanda Wood2 said:Hey everyone.

For the last few years, I’ve been dealing with this endless sadness that actually turns into physical pain and health issues.
When I finally get my head on straight, I know I *should* be happy, but this feeling just destroys me.
I grew up in a house with an aggressive father, and I definitely see the fallout from his outbursts. I moved out at 17 and worked my tail off while finishing school—cleaning toilets every morning and waitressing on weekends. I kept grinding through college just to pay my way. By 23, right after graduation, I was just chronically exhausted and totally drained. Then, things seemed to "work out"—I landed this amazing job that required moving back to my hometown. And, like, on paper everything is fine. I'm young, I'm fit, I have money, I built it all myself... but I'm sad. Just endlessly, deeply sad.
I saw a therapist who basically told me I need to figure out what I want from life and just "stop" this feeling.
I used to love pushing my body to the limit, but not anymore... I go 62 miles (literally) and there's zero rush left.
I'm just done. Done with life, people, ambition (theirs), everyone else's expectations, and this total emotional void.
I need help... what do I even do?

Are you actually happy with your job and everything you've achieved?
How's the relationship with your parents, and how much does that mess with your head?
Do you feel like you're lacking direction now? Like, maybe once you hit the goals of getting a degree and a solid career, you realized "okay, I did that, now what?"
What about romance, a partner, or even just close friends?
What specifically triggers the sadness? What goes through your mind when it hits? Are there certain thoughts or events that weigh on you, or is it just a general cloud?

Look, you grew up in a rough house. The real question is: what kind of leftover baggage are you still carrying around inside because you had to spend all your energy just surviving back then..?
We all get bored or feel like life is meaningless sometimes, but it shouldn't turn into a chronic thing. Usually, we stay busy with life, hobbies, relationships... and just keep moving...
Did you maybe expect that checking off the boxes—finishing school, landing the big job—would suddenly bring this massive wave of fulfillment?
It doesn't work like that. Satisfaction has to come from within. You've gotta learn to love yourself, including all the messy parts...

graniteeagle3 said:So, yeah... that's the thing about OCD returning. It can always crawl back in the moment you start overthinking.
I have a question...
Is it possible that when you're dealing with OCD, you might feel some sort of physical attraction toward something you aren't actually attracted to? For instance, it didn't happen to me in that specific way, but back when I was struggling with thoughts about animals or family members—which, again, I don't actually desire—there was this sense of... well, arousal. There were even instances of an erection, despite the fact that there was zero actual attraction involved.
I realize how strange this sounds to say out loud... but is it possible?
That is exactly what scares me—the fear that if I'm near children, I might experience an erection, even though that has never happened before. But I do know that during the period when I was plagued by those inappropriate thoughts regarding animals or relatives... it went from mere stimulation to a full physical response.
Could it be that once the OCD finally passes, something like that won't happen anymore? Like, if I were to hug a child, for example, and it wouldn't even cross my mind to worry about such a reaction?

Yeah, when you've got OCD, your brain treats you like a little kid. Since you're constantly thinking about these things in a sexual context, you can end up having fantasies about kids, or whatever else your OCD is fixated on. It's just like how if you imagine certain food, you can almost taste it, smell it, or crave it... similarly, you can pull all sorts of stuff into sexual fantasies, and of course, you can get stimulated—and then naturally, you might misinterpret that stimulation as arousal and get an erection.
So basically, an erection isn't proof that you're attracted to kids, it's just that you're sexually triggered and hypersensitive to stimulation.
Getting an erection doesn't mean you're going to attack a child, just like men aren't going to attack a woman just because she triggers sexual thoughts or an erection.
Just look at how intense and irrational your fear is... did you go out and assault some boy just because you got turned on? Think about it... your mind is playing these brutal, totally irrational games with you.
You aren't a pedophile. If you're feeling some kind of "devilish" sensation that you're interpreting as arousal, that's just anxiety. If you happen to get an erection, it's not because of the kids, it's because you're totally hyper-focused on the sexual sensations you're feeling and you're experiencing arousal based on that...

I could write a whole novel about this, honestly. Because of this stuff, OCD is incredibly hard on patients—it can literally drive you insane. People with OCD disorders end up scrubbing their houses for days because they're terrified of germs, or avoiding men because they're scared they might be gay... it's just that kind of crap...

graniteeagle3 said:How can you even know if you're straight before you've ever been intimate? It all comes down to attraction, not necessarily just who you happen to have sex with. There are plenty of straight guys who have experimented with the same sex, and plenty of gay guys who have slept with women. But there is a massive difference between curiosity, experimentation, and genuine, core attraction.
As for me, I always knew I was gay; I've always been drawn to men, while I felt completely indifferent toward women. They just didn't move me.
It's just that I only admitted it to myself much later—but then again, that isn't surprising. Between the social pressures, family expectations, and just general peer groups... well, most gay Americans face that same hurdle.
The truth is, the imagination can conjure anything, but a fantasy is just a fantasy. At the end of the day, you just *know*.. Haha, please don't try to confuse me further on this matter 🤣
Up until now, men have only attracted me sexually; none of them, emotionally speaking—though that makes sense, since I haven't been close to any of them, and you need a relationship for that kind of connection. Once you enter a relationship, that's when the emotional pull really happens.
Women—nothing at all.
If we're talking about fantasies involving the opposite sex, it usually involves some handsome guy and a girl in the scenario. That's about it..
But honestly, it isn't a problem for me anymore.. I know I'm gay, and I've made peace with it. Even if I discover later that I'm bisexual, hey, that just means more options for me 👍

But this is what is weighing on me most heavily right now... I was out running in the park earlier, and I found myself facing my fears. I acted perfectly normal around the children. I felt somewhat relaxed—well, "relaxed-unrelaxed," if that makes sense. I wasn't anxious, I didn't feel bad.. I simply looked at the kids and went about my business.
But as I was heading back, my OCD kicked in again, making me worry that I would start imagining perverse thoughts about children in my head. Even though, to this point, I haven't done that.

Just asking. If you know for sure who you're attracted to, then it's totally fine.
That OCD loop is going to hit you a lot. Every time you feel down or get lost in your thoughts, it’ll come back. Your job is to just ignore it... stay mindful of how you handled things today without any issues, and know you'll do the same in the future. If a problem pops up, you'll handle it just like you always have. After working on yourself for a few months, it should fade away...
I'm attracted to women and I'm married, but I love to daydream about all sorts of things, so having fantasies isn't exactly rare for me.

graniteeagle3 said:I'm not joking... well, not entirely.
What I meant was... I haven't been in a relationship, nor have I had sex with anyone, regardless of gender.

But then how can you really know who you're attracted to? And you mentioned struggling with accepting that you're gay...🤔
Like, what specifically draws you to guys versus girls—both physically and emotionally? How long have men been on your radar? Are your fantasies strictly one-way, or do they involve both?
Look, since you tend to overthink things and deal with OCD, it’s super easy to run into sexuality issues that haven't been fully worked through. Without actual physical experience, you aren't really seeing the full picture of how it plays out or which way you lean more... right now, it's all just happening in your head, and we both know how wild the imagination can get...

Just something to chew on. Unresolved questions about your sexuality, combined with unaddressed stuff or past heartbreaks, can seriously mess with how you perceive your own identity. Sexuality is such a massive spectrum—hardly anyone is purely one thing or the other; most people fall somewhere in the middle. Even if you identify as gay, it doesn't mean you won't have certain fantasies or find the opposite sex attractive at times, and vice versa. It's a pretty fluid and interesting thing...

It might actually be worth grabbing a session with a therapist to talk this through...

Michael Diaz6 said:Hahahahah, I'm actually tearing up laughing while typing this. Someone might actually think I'm the one with those kinds of fantasies.🤣
Damnnn.

I've got my share of dirty thoughts too, but I wouldn't do half that stuff in a million years.

So wait, if you aren't going all out, how exactly are you handling things down there? lol...🤣
Hahaha...
The guy's just messing with us—I asked him when he last hooked up and he totally dodged the question, which pretty much tells you everything you need to know...🍿

Michael Diaz6 said:You aren't a predator.
You just have a dirty mind.
You'd probably love some seriously intense, kinky stuff in bed.
Find a partner you can actually trust with your fantasies.
Deep down, you're into CNC stuff.
So just ask your boyfriend to roleplay that kind of scenario with you...
You've got some heavy kinks.
Once you start exploring this with someone who truly gets you at your core, you'll look back and realize how much you were overthinking it. You might even feel silly for worrying so much.

What you really need is a friend who knows you well enough that you can share your darkest thoughts without feeling judged.

I’ve got some seriously dirty thoughts that drive me crazy—until I actually try to make them happen. Then it’s usually just tears... because imagination is one thing, but real life is a whole different beast...😁

graniteeagle3 said:The zoophilia thoughts have passed, much like the ones involving incest did. Now, the only thing left is necrophilia.
But it feels like the fear itself is what feeds the cycle—I realize that intellectually, I know these are just intrusive thoughts, yet there is this persistent, nagging unrest in my mind that keeps whispering: "But what if they aren't?"

Right now, I find myself terrified that if I even brush against a child or catch their eye, I'll suddenly feel an attraction. And if that happens... what then?

So you're really out here hitting us up on a Saturday afternoon, huh...
Man, you’re honestly just terrified of your own sexuality—you’re carrying around this massive amount of guilt over nothing more than some random fantasies... you've got yourself all wound up and repressed, your libido is basically non-existent, and now you're gonna try to claim you're going after kids? Give me a break...
Look, just stop messing with everything—seriously, just leave it alone. Between all those unanswered questions, the constant anxiety, that feeling of being stuck, and all that guilt... it’s no wonder you're feeling this way. Honestly? Your biggest issue isn't what's happening around you, it's that you won't just give yourself a break and you're overthinking every single little thing...🤣

graniteeagle3 said:That is absolutely correct. If I tell myself right now, "Don't think about a giraffe," my brain is going to fixate on that giraffe relentlessly. And if I start worrying that I'm becoming obsessed with that giraffe, my brain will start sending me false signals that I actually *am* obsessed. It's because when I look at the giraffe, my mind starts racing toward sexual imagery, and suddenly I've convinced myself I'm aroused by the animal, when really, it's just the thought pattern itself.
Okay... as usual, I am overthinking things and writing far too much. 😁
The issue is that once I let something take root in my head, I become obsessive and start imagining things. If you start convincing yourself that you're attracted to a television set, you'll genuinely feel like you are. Once that passes, being near a TV feels perfectly normal again...

Our thoughts are such a convoluted, messy thing. They can be so deceptive. Everyone deals with negative thoughts, but the difference is that most people don't attach any weight to them. But this feels different. I just want to be able to act normally around children, just like I did before. My fear is that if I try to force normalcy, I'll trigger that "false signal" response where my brain tells me, 😈"Wait, what if seeing a child actually excites you right now?"

I often find myself in situations where my brain just starts firing off these nonsensical signals and obsessive loops.

You need to change your lifestyle. You've got way too much downtime for all this nonsense—you gotta find stuff to do that actually tires your body out and keeps your mind busy. Work, hanging out with friends, hobbies, reading, learning something new... basically anything just so you aren't sitting there alone with your own head...
If it doesn't get better, you might have to see someone at Apple.

Michael Diaz6 said:The longer you wait, the more weight you give this, and eventually, you'll trick your own subconscious into believing the lie.
Stop overthinking it and just say it out loud:
"I am not a predator, and I never will be."
Face the fear head-on.
Just don't turn it into some massive drama because the mind is a tricky thing.
It's like if a guy genuinely believes he's pregnant—his body can actually start mimicking pregnancy symptoms.
If you believe you're going to get sick... you will.
(That’s why you see those health nuts who live perfectly clean lives end up hitting the ICU—they're obsessed with staying healthy because they're terrified, just like you.)

Let it go...
Don't dwell on it; it's dangerous territory.
Stop making it a huge deal.
Your brain belongs to you, and yeah, it’s going to throw weird stuff at you sometimes.
Seriously...
WATCH WHAT YOU THINK 70% OF THE TIME—because that becomes your reality.

It doesn't really work like that, though... He’s spending all his energy trying to convince himself he isn't, but deep down he's wondering why he keeps obsessing over it if he isn't—why it takes such a toll on him, why those thoughts and images keep popping up if they aren't true...
He needs to realize that these associations are just a symptom of an anxiety disorder—basically, the brain likes to trip itself up with these intrusive thoughts. He's gotta tell himself, "Okay, even if I were, life goes on. Plenty of people deal with this, they get help, and they move forward. I've overcome plenty of things in my life, so I can handle this too..." He has to find peace with that thought just to make the fear fade away. Honestly, the fact that the whole "I'm not a pedophile" mantra feels like a lie is what's actually killing him... he just can't bring himself to admit it. If he could just accept that he has OCD, that these thoughts are just a side effect of being sick, then maybe by accepting them, he could lower the tension and make the associations stop. The more you fight it, the bigger the fear gets...

graniteeagle3 said:Hello everyone—I have a problem that I never, ever imagined would happen to me, yet here I am, struggling to even believe it’s actually happening.
First, I should probably just come out and say it: I am gay. After years of denial, of questioning my own sanity, and fighting to accept who I am, I finally reached a place of self-acceptance.
Once I accepted being gay, I truly thought the worst was behind me—that nothing could stand in the way of me moving forward. I’ve survived depression, deep feelings of inadequacy, and even suicide attempts; I felt like I was finally ready to find my place in the world. I honestly believed there wasn't a single hurdle left that I couldn't clear. But just when I thought I had solved the biggest issue in my life, a new one appeared—out of nowhere.

Lately, I can't help but wonder: Why does it feel like the worst things always happen to me? Am I destined to spend my entire life just navigating one crisis after another?

To start—I know, deep down, that I am not a pedophile. I know this is all playing tricks on my mind, that it isn't reality, but there is this massive, suffocating seed of doubt inside me: What if I am? What if all these thoughts are true and I'm just refusing to admit it to myself?
It has become incredibly uncomfortable for me to be around children. If I catch myself looking their way, or if I worry that I might seem nervous, I immediately get anxious. Honestly, I feel physically ill when I'm near kids; I find myself instinctively crossing to the other side of the street just to avoid them.
The other day, I was walking with a friend, and a woman walked by with her child. As soon as I saw they were heading toward our path, I hurried my pace just to pass them quickly so I wouldn't have to look at the child. I simply don't understand how this has taken root in my head—it happened so suddenly!
I have always loved children—not in a predatory way, obviously. I used to enjoy playing with them, talking to them, laughing with them. But NOW, if I even glance at a child, my brain immediately screams that I'm a pedophile. If I were to touch a child, or hold them, or let a child sit on my lap—God forbid—I wouldn't just fear being a predator; I'd fear that I was actually committing abuse.
I have this terrifying feeling that I will never be able to act normally around children again, or worse, that if I don't "fix" this, I'll eventually become what I fear. I’m afraid to look at a child because I’m terrified that I might actually feel a sexual attraction. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. O.o I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, like I'm going to end up in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life. I am genuinely terrified for my mental health...

How can I walk past children completely normally like I used to—without the nervousness, the negative energy, the anxiety, or the sudden crashes in mood? How can I go back to being the person who looks at a child and that's just it? Now, I’m constantly monitoring myself, trying *not* to look. I am scared, I am in shambles, and I feel terrible.
Here is the spiral of thoughts I can't stop: What if I really am a pedophile? What if I'm not right now, but I become one later? What if I hurt a child, now or in the future? What if this never stops? What if I lose my mind entirely? What if I can never be in a relationship because of this? And so on...
Honestly, friends... I am so confused. I feel like I'm losing my very sense of self, like this isn't even happening to me, but to someone else—it feels surreal.
I have always loved children and being around them. Now, if a woman were to ask me to hold her baby, I would scramble for any excuse to say no, because if I actually did it, I would feel like an abuser.
I don't know what to think anymore. O.o I know I am not a pedophile. Children do not attract me sexually or emotionally. Yet, there is still this persistent seed of doubt within me, and it feels like it may never go away.
Let me give you some examples: I'll be walking down the street, and we all know those moments where random sexual thoughts pop into your head and you feel turned on; in that exact moment, if I look at a child, I immediately think I've become aroused by them.
Second example: Yesterday, I was flipping through a newspaper, saw a photo of two children, and my mood instantly plummeted. Then, my mind immediately drifted to some pornographic image, and I felt aroused. Later, I try to tell myself it wasn't caused by the photo, but the connection is already made in my head.
I'm also terrified that I'll create a false sensation of attraction to children, which will then reinforce the idea that I truly am a pedophile.

Anyway, that’s everything I wanted to say; I don't want to drown you all in my problems.
I love animals, and I love children—just not in a pedophilic or zoophilic way—but it doesn't matter when my brain keeps insisting otherwise.

This whole loop you're stuck in sounds like a textbook case of OCD. You aren't a pedophile. Also, it might be worth looking into your sexual orientation—are you absolutely sure you're gay?
Since you've been struggling to figure out your sexuality for years, it makes sense that there are lingering insecurities and frustrations messing with your head. That frustration, combined with compulsive thoughts and depression, basically clears a path for this disorder. It seems like this fear popped up—this dread that your sexuality might take an unexpected turn—and because "pedophile" is such a terrifying, deviant label, your mind latched onto it. Now you're just stuck in a loop, obsessing from sunrise to sunset, searching for reasons why you are one and reasons why you aren't...
It’s incredibly draining. Look, seeing children as vulnerable beings naturally triggers protective instincts in us, but you've twisted those protective feelings into sexual attraction (which isn't true), and now you're hunting for evidence to prove you're a pedophile. If you go looking for trouble, you're going to find it. Maybe during a fantasy, a random image of a child flashed through your mind by accident, it triggered the fear, and now it's just swirling around inside you constantly...
The usual way to deal with OCD is to try and accept whatever it is you're most afraid of. If you're scared of being a pedophile, try accepting the *thought* that you are. Once you lean into the worst-case scenario, the fear usually loses its grip.
There are also plenty of people who live in fear of being gay. Even if they aren't emotionally or sexually attracted to men, that underlying anxiety and discomfort can easily get confused with arousal when they see someone of the same sex, which just feeds the fear cycle. So, I'd suggest re-evaluating your sexuality—have you had sex with guys or girls, and which one did you actually enjoy more?

For instance, in your post, you spent sentence after sentence describing your fears of being a pedophile, even though you've never actually harmed a child. You're essentially bombarding yourself with these thoughts day and night, and it's a vicious cycle. First, the thought itself is frustrating, then the fact that you can't escape it becomes the problem. The more you fight that reality, the stronger it gets, until you end up in a psych ward because you just can't function anymore...

So, acceptance—try to imagine that you *are* a pedophile and you'll see the fear start to fade on its own. Stop labeling yourself with these obsessive thoughts; just realize they are ONLY OBSESSIONS IN YOUR HEAD. Your brain is playing games with you, inventing horror stories, but that isn't who you are. If you can't handle it, go straight to a psychologist for therapy and treatment...

A quick question: do you use porn, and could there be a link between that and your fear of being gay or a pedophile? Also, have you run into any issues sexually—like masochism, trouble enjoying sex, issues with masturbation, reaching orgasm, or just staying focused on your fantasies...?

You can read a bit more about NATO here if you're interested:
http://www.vaspsiholog.com/2014/03/h...oremecaj-hokp/

casualtinker19 said:Ever had one of those moments where you're deep in a dream, right at the peak of something massive, something actually significant... and then, just when everything is about to unfold, the alarm goes off or some other noise jerks you back to reality? Just leaves you hanging there... What were you dreaming about?

The absolute worst for me is when I'm dreaming about flirting with this incredibly hot woman, and just as things are heating up and we're about to get intimate... boom, the alarm hits. 🤦
Or when I dream I hit the jackpot and I'm sitting in a brand new Ford, just shaking with excitement because I'm finally about to floor it... then the alarm rings. 🤦
Seriously, damn that thing... it never seems to go off when I'm having one of those endless nightmares where I'm literally dreaming that I'm dreaming... that's when I actually need the wake-up call...🙂

Michael Diaz6 said:Both you and I have this knack for helping everyone else while being totally useless when it comes to ourselves.
😁 You aren't actually as bad as you made yourself out to be above; you're just way too hard on yourself.
Honestly, someone else with your personality—just without all that self-criticism—wouldn't have any issues at all.
It’s our curse...

Everyone carries some kind of curse on their back... there's no doubt about that, which is why I don't think this thread is getting too deep. We can never truly "accept" ourselves fully—because if we did, life would lose its drive, right? We need that constant push to grow and evolve. People can accept themselves by acknowledging their flaws instead of running from them, though. We all have baggage—some things we recognize and fix, others we just can't touch. Life basically forces us to keep pivoting, for better or worse... Honestly, if someone tells you they're perfect and totally satisfied with who they are, run the other way...

I really dig your vibe, though—you think, you analyze, and you're always looking for ways to make life better for yourself and others. You're a genuinely good person, just watch who you open up to, because people can be pretty ruthless. You've got strength inside, even if you seem vulnerable on the outside... you don't have to be everyone's personal service station. The world keeps spinning even if you don't give 100% to everyone, and besides, you can't anyway... 👍

If Grandma were a guy, she'd be named Doug... just like me, if I were... but hey, it is what it is. You can't run away from yourself...

Michael Diaz6 said:I mean, there’s definitely some truth to that.

Guess it's my turn to teach you something for once—usually, it's the other way around... 🙂

Michael Diaz6 said:Fair enough. There’s some truth to that..
even if at the end of the day everyone steps up to help me or at least promises the moon and stars...
It’s not like I do it for that... I can't and don't want to pay anyone back because, honestly... most of them aren't exactly winning right now either...

True... you're definitely a favorite among the moochers 🤣 and hey, fine... being used feels like that sometimes...

I don't see how I'm going to become a better version of myself if I get selfish and only look out for number one... though maybe this is just a different kind of selfish... hmmm... wait... how does a non-selfish person even live? 🤣

I know I have more luck than brains, 😂 because there's always someone showing up at just the right moment to pull me out of the gutter...
That's just "a higher power" at work...

And my main issue is that I need to love myself... but I think I first need to figure out what my actual goal in life is, then I'd actually fight for it... right now I'm just a bit lost... I don't know what's worth holding onto... so I just end up being useful... hoping I stumble upon some passion for something I actually give a damn about...
Then you'd see how easily I'd crush anything in my way..
But since I've got nothing... whatever..

Just aim for this...
do it because it makes you happy, you've got the time, you enjoy it, you're hanging out with friends, and helping feels morally right.
Don't do it because you're out of time, you're exhausted, you need space, you can't handle the pressure or all these obligations, and you just want to do your own thing..
So, if it brings you joy, cool... but if you can't even help an old lady cross the street—even with valid reasons—then you've got a major problem on your hands...

Honestly, nobody has "the" purpose in life, it's not even a real thing. We're all just bouncing from one goal to the next, moving from point A to point B, trying to squeeze everything we can out of every single day and living in the moment without stressing over what happened or worrying too much about what's coming next. Life happens right now, in this second..
Big life goals are mostly an illusion anyway. Life is just a collection of bigger and smaller milestones—work, school, friends, partying, money, partners, traveling, pleasure, sex... just going from one thing to the next...

You're being selfish in the wrong way, giving stuff away just to get a trophy from other people, which honestly just hurts you in the long run. If you go the other way, you become a total jerk who uses people, making everyone suffer, and no matter what you achieve, you won't be happy and it'll never be enough. It's smarter to play with both extremes until you find that sweet spot in life... where you aren't a pushover, but you aren't a total asshole either...