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Guilt and Regret: How do you deal with it? in Psychology · Sep 29, 2009

Jesse Peterson5 said:So, I’ve been scrolling through some threads on the forum and now I'm stuck thinking about how guilt just hangs over me... It feels suppressed, but it’s always there. Even after I fixed my mistakes as much as I possibly could, I still haven't shaken this feeling...

I used to deal with some pretty heavy depression, and while that long stretch is finally over, I can't seem to wash away this sense of guilt and regret. Even though I don't dwell on the specific things I regret, I still find myself triggered by some random memory at least once a day that brings it all back... It's like I can't function without it. Honestly, it doesn't feel normal, and I have no clue how to move past it...

Thinking about it now... I'm sure everyone deals with guilt or regret at some point. But my impression is that "normal" people feel it, bury it deep inside, and then move on because they don't need to keep revisiting it. For some reason, I feel obligated to remember. It's not like I enjoy it, but maybe it's just become a habit. If I'm not actively overthinking it, it just bubbles up subconsciously while I'm walking or doing something else...

What do you do to get rid of this feeling? I don't know if it's normal to carry this around for old mistakes, or if I should be able to function like everyone else and let those feelings go when the time comes...

Hopefully, I'm making sense here. This isn't just about one single thing that makes me regretful—it's more general than that. There's a whole mountain of stuff, unfortunately... haha😁😁 Is it just my self-critical nature? I'm the type of person who sits and overanalyzes everything until I find a solution. Part of me thinks (maybe I'm wrong) that if I stopped constantly feeling this guilt and regret over the past, I might actually function better as a person. You wouldn't notice anything on the surface, but I feel it deep down...🙂

Any advice? Recommendations? Personal experiences? A way out? 😁

Well, you’ve already taken the first step: you realized how this guilt is messing with your life. It’s pretty obvious to you now that it’s excessive and just holding you back.

It gets resolved... slowly. In any specific situation where your conscience starts stinging because you did X instead of Y, try to comfort yourself. If you messed up—hey, nobody is perfect.

It takes time to learn how to give yourself credit every time you actually do something right. So, when that guilt hits you over example X, counter it with example Y—something you can genuinely be proud of.

These feelings are toxic. They don't make us "better" people. It's just a reflection of being too hard on yourself, which, ironically, keeps you from actually improving.

How mindful are you of the world around you? in Psychology · Sep 27, 2009

coppermason said:The only thing I can actually change is making sure my "occasional" outbursts become a regular occurrence instead.
But I don't want that, because like you said, that would just undermine all the effort I put into trying to keep it under control in the first place.
When I snap like that, it’s honestly just to show him how ugly it really is—to make him feel it firsthand. He knows this isn't my normal vibe; I have zero desire to be rude to anyone. It’s just pointless. You've got me all wrong.😉
I'm armed with enough patience and love that, even if I know I won't ever be perfect, I'm still more than willing to fight this battle.😍

And why? You think you don't deserve a guy who actually puts you first instead of treating you like an afterthought? Someone who doesn't just ditch his plans with you the second someone else walks into the room? From what I can tell, he isn't even making a choice; he’s just doing whatever it takes to avoid being with you. But sure, he shows up on time for work or a midterm, right? Just think about how many times he actually manages to be punctual. Yeah, those are the only moments where he actually gives a damn about anything.

I’m not saying he doesn't care about you. It’s just that he’s gotten used to the idea that he can act however he wants because you’ll always tolerate it. If his buddies at the pub call him out, they’ll just head out without him if he says no. But you? You'll still be there waiting for him, I guess.

People don't change just because you have endless patience or because you lose your mind and snap at them. You aren't going to change your brother, I guess. Your only real option there is to cut communication down to the bare minimum. But a boyfriend? You can actually change that situation—by finding someone new.

How mindful are you of the world around you? in Psychology · Sep 27, 2009

coppermason said:I know exactly why my specific cases act the way they do.
My brother, for instance, is like this because ever since he was born, being the first and only boy among three kids, he was basically coddled to death. It wasn't that he wasn't loved; it was just too much love and way too much tolerance. Then life gave him a reality check, so he ended up with a girlfriend who basically runs his life and does all his thinking for him. It makes total sense that he’d vent his frustrations on whoever is closest. As for the guy, I won't say anything derogatory about his background, but if he hadn't had the mother he needed, combined with the crowd he chose later on—people who are just as arrogant and rude to one another—it explains a lot. Same goes for my friend; she's going through a phase because of some past trauma.
I wouldn't say they're "bullying" me, because then I'd sound like a pushover, and that's not it. I intentionally mentioned in my opening post that I'm a tolerant person and blah blah blah, just so I didn't come off like I think I'm perfect. I work with small children, so I probably have a professional bias where I don't take every little cry, whine, or tantrum too personally. Instead, I try to handle things with a conversation or by distracting them, whether it's with kids or adults. And look, I love and respect all three of them unconditionally, and they respect me too—that's proven. Honestly, I'm just sharing this to get it off my chest and show what it looks like from my perspective.
It’s clear to me that we all have our outlets; in a way, they are mine. I get why they filter things this way; I see that they do it because they're weak and pathetic. But what I don't get is why a person feels no need to help themselves or pull themselves together. Their way of "solving" problems actually just creates a whole new one, making things worse with their families and everyone else.

Regarding psychiatric help, with all due respect to the doctors here in the States, I don't think a psychiatrist can provide the kind of help he actually needs. I'm basically acting as his therapist without the antidepressants or the nonsense a doctor would prescribe just to send him home... but that's a whole different topic.

Why don't people realize their behavior is wrong and that they're just making life harder for everyone? I don't know, maybe they just lack the habit or the drive for self-reflection. It's easier to live by blaming others than by realizing you're the architect of your own happiness. I mean, if your boyfriend realized he was treating both you and himself poorly, he'd have to change, right? And that’s hard. It's much easier to just keep bothering everyone else.

You're thinking about it yourself, yet you aren't exactly leaning toward professional help either. You have all sorts of excuses for why seeing an expert isn't useful. Now, just imagine how it feels for your boyfriend or brother, who won't even accept the idea that they're acting poorly and need to change.

It’s a deeply ingrained way of behaving, and it doesn't just flip overnight. It’s not a decision like "I'm going to stop buying Kraft and start buying Nestlé." A real change requires massive internal shifts, and most people just don't want that.

Maybe try correcting them slightly: like, when someone shows up late, you just pick up and leave. And if you have to, do it again. If they actually care about you, they'll be on time next time. And if they don't? Well, then I guess you just accept that they don't care and stop wasting your energy.

How mindful are you of the world around you? in Psychology · Sep 27, 2009

coppermason said:Quentin Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino

It’s pretty obvious to me that people are only going to treat you the way you let them. And let's just say, if we're being honest, I’m usually the last person to set any kind of boundary.Total garbage.I don't know what the term is for this phenomenon, but I honestly can't wrap my head around why people act this way. It’s not just me, either—I only brought them up because I actually know them, but they treat everyone with that same level of disrespect. They tend to run into similar types over and over again, too. Depending on the person, they either cut them off entirely or just let the relationship fizzle out into nothing, and those rare few who actually stay close usually end up in constant conflict. So, I'm genuinely curious if anyone here knows what drives someone to be that incredibly tactless. Like, seriously, why?

- because his inner circle lets him get away with it
- because he doesn't know any better
- because that's how he was raised; that's how his family treated him
- he has zero self-respect, so obviously he won't respect others either
- honestly, he's just miserable, because happy people don't go around hurting others

The real answer—why a specific person acts that way—probably needs a professional. You aren't going to find it based on a few posts on an internet forum.

If your boyfriend realizes there's a problem and starts therapy, he might change (it'll take time, maybe a year or two). If he doesn't, and he probably won't, your only real option is to break up with him. Or just endure it. You'll likely choose the latter, though, since it isn't just him bothering you, but your friend too. Plus, you were probably raised to think it's normal to be mistreated, that you should be "considerate" instead of standing up for yourself.😢

Friends, why does nobody ever invite me out? in Psychology · Sep 26, 2009

Alexander Martinez12 said:I’m 20 years old, incredibly outgoing, and I love meeting new people. I’m a social butterfly through and through—I live for a good laugh and a great conversation. But here’s the catch: I never actually go out. Aside from spending maybe one or two weekends a month with my boyfriend, my social life is non-existent. Even though I’m always striking up conversations and being upfront with people, nobody ever invites me to anything.🤷 Occasionally, I might get an invite for a quick coffee, but when it comes to weekend plans? Crickets.
Here’s a perfect example of how this works: A friend and I planned to hit up a club together. Out of nowhere, another friend showed up, and they both suddenly made up some excuse about having to leave just thirty minutes after arriving because of a birthday party. They bailed, leaving me to ride a bus all the way across Los Angeles because it felt ridiculous to head home just an hour after getting there.
A few days later, I see them posted online at the exact same club I was supposed to be at.
What is wrong with me?😕 I’m communicative, I’m open, and I’m definitely not stuck-up or conceited. Yet, for some reason, I just don't seem to be anyone's type of person to hang out with.😢

So, do you actually invite anyone to hang out? Or do you just meet someone and sit there waiting for them to make the first move?

Do you have any girlfriends (besides the one you mentioned)? Do they actually go out?

How mindful are you of the world around you? in Psychology · Sep 26, 2009

coppermason said:I'm on the same page and I try to live by that, but we're talking about people here. These guys in their thirties... seriously, if it hasn't hit them by now, when the hell will it?🤷

Why would your boyfriend change his behavior if you just sit there and tolerate it? I guess it doesn't make much sense. Maybe he won't.

Some people just never change. I guess once you finally unlock the door and walk away, they just find someone even more pathetic to tolerate their constant lateness, neglect, and disrespect. Maybe that’s just how it goes.

How mindful are you of the world around you? in Psychology · Sep 26, 2009

coppermason said:I’m curious to see how much consideration people actually show to those around them.
The reason this is on my mind is because I’ve spent basically my entire life in conflict with three specific people, mostly due to their total lack of awareness for anyone else—not just me, but everyone.

First, there's my brother. He basically steamrolls over everything and everyone without a second thought. He thinks he's entitled to snap at anyone who gets in his way, but God forbid anyone looks at him the wrong way. His life is sacred; nobody is allowed to comment on it, even if it's something positive.

Then there's my boyfriend. His job drains him mentally to an almost absurd degree. Even my mom, who’s a surgeon, wasn't as physically or mentally exhausted after her toughest surgeries in 25 years of practice.
I don't have a single legitimate excuse for being late or missing a deadline, yet he’s almost always running behind and can't stick to a plan to save his life—and it's not just with me. It’s happened a hundred times where he’s just lying at my place, napping, totally forgetting about a meeting, and then I hear him on the phone lying through his teeth, claiming he's already driving there. But of course, he feels entitled to criticize everyone and pick fights with anyone.

And finally, my friend. She wouldn't lift a finger for anyone. She’ll go out of her way to stir up drama just to shut me down, but if I do something without consulting her first, she stays mad for three days. I've realized she lives for the manipulation, but honestly, I'm just tired of playing along.

Look, I'm a pretty good person... blah blah blah, but I truly cannot wrap my head around how someone can be so oblivious that it starts feeling like actual masochism.

So, let's see how many toxic people are hanging out on this forum.

Masochism is when you let people walk all over you. Did you check out the thread about salaries on Lonely Hearts? I think you'd find it useful.

You aren't being considerate toward your boyfriend or your friend. Why would you even call someone a friend if they "wouldn't lift a finger for anyone"? Haven't you heard that friends are the people who actually love you and are happy to help?

Maybe you care about them, but that doesn't make you a considerate or good person—it just means you're letting those close to you treat you like a doormat. In other words: masochism. A total lack of self-respect, etc. 😢

It's nice to be considerate and mindful of other people's opinions and needs. But if you do that while ignoring your own needs and letting others trample you, that's bad. It would be healthier to just tell them to fuck off and find people who will actually treat you well. Let them go look for new victims to humiliate with their lateness, canceled plans, and drama...

Is love really blind? in Psychology · Sep 22, 2009

silentpilot6 said:I’m honestly telling you this with the best intentions, but you really should consider changing your writing style. I'm not the only one who skips over your posts because of it. That constant breaking up of... sentences is exhausting and hard to follow—especially in an online forum setting where people aren't usually looking for deep dives or trying to focus intensely. Plus, there are plenty of others who write "normally" (if you'll excuse my use of that word, haha), so your posts just get passed over.
I COULD ALSO WRITE LIKE THIS BECAUSE I THINK THESE LETTERS ARE COOL... but I don't, because on the internet, all caps feels like shouting.
Likewise, I won't write in this tiny font either because it's too hard to read.

If you want to have a meaningful conversation, write properly😁, but if that doesn't matter to you, then keep writing the way you do.👋

Since you’re a moderator, I can't exactly hand you a strike. Please, just go back and reread the forum rules if you’ve somehow managed to forget them. If you continue to ignore the guidelines, I guess I'll be forced to ask the admins to step in and issue a formal warning.

Just a reminder:
Any deviation from the topic is just trolling and off-topic nonsense that deserves a ban.
Insulting other members or belittling their writing style isn't allowed here. silentpilot6, would you actually enjoy it if I highlighted every single typo you make in every single post? Maybe. But probably not.

Maria Callas isn't breaking any forum rules, unlike you.

Is love really blind? in Psychology · Sep 22, 2009

Topic: Is love blind? Please stick to the subject matter.

On topic: Love isn't blind, but infatuation definitely is.

Legion, your lecturing is honestly hilarious. It’s almost pathetic, really. 😍
I mean, how old are you? Have you seriously never even been suspended? What on earth have you done with your life, you dark soul? 😢

I'm completely burnt out in Psychology · Aug 13, 2009

driftingtiger2 said:The issue is that nothing brings me any joy, and I'm just constantly living in fear. I'm scared my mom will pass away, terrified my dad might take his own life because he can't handle losing his job, and I have these nightmares about my brother getting killed in a hit-and-run. I worry about being fired and losing the house I still have 14 years left on the mortgage for. I wonder if my husband is actually happy with me. I rarely see friends anymore; I'm just completely drained from work, caring for my mother, and dealing with all the money stress...

That's called anxiety. 😢

(everything you mentioned in this post). It would be great if you had the energy, the willpower, and the cash for psychotherapy.

How to deal with hypocrites? in Psychology · Aug 11, 2009

Sean Cruz said:I am fully aware of what you're saying. I've dealt with my fair share of hypocrites—from high school and college drama to those "friends" who would try to steal your boyfriend, 😁 all the way up to colleagues in the workplace. Usually, my gut instinct kicks in immediately; I can spot those types from a mile away because their patterns are so predictable. However, there are certain people you actually *do* let in. I don't make friends with just anyone, but then a betrayal happens. You realize someone was being calculated, mapping out your vulnerabilities just to exploit them and win you over. People like that aren't everywhere, but they're definitely present. How do you learn to trust again? Honestly, I'm already hard enough on myself as it is. 🤣 I know not everyone is like that—I have real, genuine friends—but once you've been burned, you tend to be wary of even the simplest things, right?

But look, there isn't a single soul on this planet who hasn't been burned at some point. Not one.

That’s why every living person eventually has to learn the hard way: how to read people, how to set boundaries, and how to manage expectations.

How to deal with hypocrites? in Psychology · Aug 10, 2009

Sean Cruz said:No, that's not what I mean. I'm talking about the manipulators—the ones who go out of their way to earn your trust specifically so they can pull the rug out from under you. I'm talking about truly malicious people who enter relationships with the sole intention of causing harm. I used to think they were outliers, but I'm starting to realize they are everywhere.

I don't know if they're everywhere, but they definitely exist.

I have a pretty solid tactic for dealing with them. As soon as I notice someone starts hovering around me, I get suspicious right away. Like, where did all this sudden interest in my life come from? What exactly am I offering? If you're, say, popular at a big state university and run with a great crowd, it's obvious some people from the fringes are going to try hard to get in your good graces. But I look at it this way: if some girl is constantly chasing me just so I'll invite her to those parties everyone's talking about, I'm not under any illusion that she's actually fallen for me. She's just looking for an invite. 😁

It's the same deal at work. If you're on good terms with the manager and already hold a decent position, obviously some ambitious new hires are going to scramble for your attention. But those aren't hypocrites! It's your own fault if you misread their intentions.

There are always a dozen reasons why someone wants to hang out with you. The second you see someone "doing everything to win your trust," it's pretty clear they have an ulterior motive.

How to deal with hypocrites? in Psychology · Aug 10, 2009

Sean Cruz said:Believe it or not, people like that are everywhere. It might be hard to imagine, but there are plenty of folks you pour your trust into, only for them to stab you in the back. In my experience, truly honest and sincere people are actually quite rare. Luckily, the good ones are still out there. 🙂

In any situation where those trusted people "stabbed you in the back," I guess you should probably stop and think—what actually happened? Not just from your perspective, but from their side of things too.

I went through this a lot back in the day. I’d expect someone close to me to support me or do one specific thing, and then they wouldn't. Later, when we'd talk about it, my friend would act totally shocked: Wait, I had no idea you wanted that! Why didn't you tell me? Nobody is a mind reader.

How to deal with hypocrites? in Psychology · Aug 10, 2009

David Sanchez8 said:How do we set boundaries and stop their hypocrisy from cutting us deep?

First off, what does "hypocrite" even mean to you? Are you aware that you probably present a different face to the world—one for acquaintances and strangers, and a totally different one internally?

Second, human relationships just involve getting hurt sometimes. Maybe you have a great friend, you've been close for years, and then she gets married, has kids, and suddenly doesn't have time for you anymore. Okay, that isn't hypocrisy; life priorities just shifted.

There are a million possibilities here. You didn't write much in your opening post, so we're all just guessing what you meant. We would actually need to know what "hypocrisy" looks like to you and how these people specifically hurt you.

In principle: if you gossip about others while hanging out with a group, you can be certain they’ll gossip about you the second you walk away. Are they hypocrites? In my opinion, no. I enjoy gossiping too, even about my closest friends. But strictly within a tight circle.

Basically, neither you nor anyone else is a saint. There's less disappointment when you align your expectations with reality. If you met someone six months ago and they seem great, there's an equal chance they could become a best friend or turn their back on you. You just don't know them well enough yet. As for people you've known for years, you really should understand their behavior and try to grasp why they did whatever it was that hurt you.

How do you stick to a diet? in Psychology · Aug 8, 2009

James Ramirez10 said:The issue isn't really about the food itself; it's about what food symbolizes. We need to tackle that mindset first.

That's the catch right there.

How do you stick to a diet? in Psychology · Aug 8, 2009

Aaron Howard27 said:Never—mostly because I simply wouldn't allow it. I have far too much self-respect for that sort of thing.

Look, do us all a favor and stop talking about things you clearly don't understand. 🙂

I think I'll go take a look at those threads where you whine about your own problems, just so I can offer you the same "brilliant" advice you seem to love handing out here.😁

How do you stick to a diet? in Psychology · Aug 8, 2009

Aaron Howard27 said:No, absolutely not! Nobody can justify binge eating just because they're going through something. They could have gone for a walk to clear their heads, but no—instead, they decided to take a little stroll to the fridge, and once they've dealt with their problem, they reward themselves with a slice of cheesecake. Look, people, that isn't the way to handle things. I don't feel sorry for those types, and frankly, neither should you.

I might just hand you a red card.🤣🤣🤣

An eating disorder is—well, it's an eating disorder. There are about ten different types listed in medical manuals. Usually, there's depression lurking in the background... and it requires years of psychotherapy to fix.

A lot of people deal with stress by grabbing some chocolate or ice cream, but they don't end up carrying an extra 60 pounds.

The way you're phrasing this is basically like saying: Nobody can justify having anxiety, depression, panic attacks, relationship struggles, or failing at work or school because of life's problems.

If people could just go for a walk and clear their minds at the first sign of trouble, as you suggest, maybe half of all mental health disorders wouldn't exist.

Healthy people might gain 5 pounds, then they tighten up their diet, move around a bit more, and sort it out in a month. But that's how it works with all disorders: a healthy person gets nervous about a college entrance exam, takes it, and moves on. A sick person struggles for years with a hundred different issues because of extreme anxiety.

How do you stick to a diet? in Psychology · Aug 7, 2009

Topic: How to actually stick to a diet. Please stay on track.

How do you stick to a diet? in Psychology · Aug 7, 2009

Aaron Howard27 said:So you found your salvation in snacks? Seriously? What century are you living in? You’re probably still stuck in the 1900s! Instead of just sitting there eating, maybe try flashing a smile and finding a new guy to chase!! Oh yeah!! It’s like some of you just don't know how to actually enjoy life, right? 🤷
🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂 🤣 😂

Yeah, there’s really no need for comments like that. Eating disorders didn't just disappear after the last century; they're still very much a thing in America today, and I assume they'll stick around as long as there are people around.

I'm officially entering my misanthrope era in Psychology · Aug 6, 2009

David Mendoza4 said:haha, oh gosh, I don't see myself as a hater of humanity or anything, it's more like I just saw myself in what was said because I honestly just love my solo time, and I find those super high-energy, ego-driven people who always need to be the star of the show to be totally exhausting since they make me feel invisible, whereas I'd much rather just zone out and enjoy some quiet moments, which I guess some people just don't get.
But she and I have been through so much together, and even though she's been a real handful lately, there's just no way I'm cutting her loose like that, especially since I had a similar friend once who was just twisted and insecure and I felt zero regret when she drifted out of my life, but this isn't like that at all because she actually has some great qualities and we really support each other, so it's not even about that, it's more that we're just fundamentally different people with totally different interests, yet I don't bore her with stuff she doesn't care about, even if she doesn't realize she can be pretty thoughtless sometimes, so my real issue is that I tend to stay quiet and bottle everything up until I eventually just hit a breaking point.👎
and she just doesn't get where I'm coming from.🙄

Yeah, and that’s how people around here end up calling themselves mizantrops. 🤣

So, someone actually had the nerve to lecture me about the Holocaust, the Inquisition, or child abuse in foster care. Seriously? There are plenty of reasons why being a mizantrop isn't just an attitude—it's a logical response to reality. I guess it's just common sense.

I hate people. My friends constantly nag me with their endless drama, yet they never bother to ask how I’m doing. I hate people at work, too. They won't leave me alone when all I really want to do is sit here and type on this forum. Maybe that's just how it is.🙄🙄🙄

David Mendoza4, if she’s actually your friend and you two have history, you really ought to call her out on her behavior. You should probably tell her you aren't going to put up with it anymore. I guess I’ve been that person before—the friend who lashes out at the people closest to me just because life is hitting hard. But honestly? When people just took it, they weren't actually helping me. I think I would have felt much better if they had just set a boundary and said: Cut it out. Let’s actually do something worthwhile for once. 🙂

That applies to friends and decent people, I guess. But some folks are straight-up leeches. All you can really do is cut them loose. They’ll just go out and find new victims anyway.