Posts by boldnomad45

Joshua Long62 said:I was only four when he left, so I don't really have specific memories or feelings tied to it. As the years went by, I just grew used to him not being there. It sounds weird, but it just became my normal. Honestly, it might have felt even stranger if he had suddenly shown up. I don't even know what having a father actually feels like... But yeah, I guess in every relationship there's this underlying fear of being left alone and feeling like I won't find anyone else after that.

The foundation is built during those first three years. You don't even realize how deep those roots go.
For healthy development to occur, certain conditions have to be met. Maturity isn't an automatic process; it requires specific types of interaction between a caregiver and a child. When those necessary conditions aren't met—when you deal with harmful environments involving aggression, yelling, neglect, emotional coldness, or total absence—that natural development gets stunted. A child in those circumstances can't reach their full potential. From the outside, we see behavioral issues in children and later in adults. On the inside, that child carries insecurity and emotional pain. They struggle to regulate themselves after being upset, they carry a damaged self-image, and at a core level, they feel unworthy. It manifests as difficulty navigating social interactions, emotional bonds, and even reaching their intellectual potential..."

And the mother was likely dealing with her own fallout from the breakup and everything leading up to it.
So, you have work to do. Instead of focusing on everyone else, turn that focus inward.

Daniel Kelly57 said:Look, maybe take it easy and go see a therapist. It might be worth sitting down and working through all of this.

You mean psychotherapist. And most of us could probably use one right about now.

Joshua Long62 said:We broke up, and he’s already moved on to someone else. I won't even get into what she's like, but I can just say she seems to be exactly his type—basically the absolute bottom of the barrel for women, if you ask me. But honestly, I still have this weird urge to look out for him. I spend half the night wondering where he is, what he's doing, or who he's with. I don't know how to just stop caring about him.

Start focusing on yourself. Where does that impulse come from? Did you grow up having to play savior to one of your parents? Something like that.
Once you start digging into your own psychology, these fantasies about "saving" people will vanish. You'll actually feel sick once you realize why you were drawn to it in the first place.
And honestly, be glad he found someone else. At least he left you alone.
Go check out the threads on domestic abuse; you'll see just how close you came to ending up in a truly dangerous situation.

A total waste of time.

Rebecca Reed3 said:What kind of sauna would you suggest for a beginner?
Salt, infrared?

I’m not a fan of high heat, humidity, or steam, but I want to try a sauna once—just so I don't pass out while I'm there.

Is it harder to handle high temps (around 175-210°F) or high humidity (90-100%)? I've been looking online at different types, and it seems like the ones with lower temps have massive humidity, and vice versa. I can't find anything around 105°F with 50% humidity.😁

Humidity doesn't bother me unless it's raining outside; otherwise, I can't stand it when it's hot.🕺

Traditional American style, or Roman baths.
Infrared is alright, I guess. Personally, I go for the traditional or Turkish styles—the hotter, the better. Then hit the ice bath.👍

Carl Rivera43 said:Yeah, honestly, who knows? My own path is just way too freaking chaotic and winding sometimes. I end up losing my motivation before I even know what hit me.

Tell me about the last time you actually did something new. Not just thinking about it in your head, but physically leaving the house to try something unfamiliar. Work doesn't count. If I remember correctly, you’re staying in your comfort zone, hanging out with older women where you play the child and they play the adults. That suits you.
I’d suggest practicing going somewhere new, maybe even a place where introverts gather. Sign up for yoga, for instance. Go there alone for the first time, surrounded by strangers, being the beginner while everyone else isn't. Just let yourself be a novice. No control. I'm certain you'll find some value in it. Then, in a few months, pick something else. You'll learn more about yourself through that than through all the overthinking, the songs, and the endless internal monologues.

Kevin Wells81 said:The assets are worth way more... It's just just as hard to offload them.

I gotta admit, I’ve been running on maybe an hour or two of sleep lately... and anyone who knows me would tell you I don't scare easy...

But I am so TERRIFIED that I'll never be anything more than mediocre that it's actually making me suicidal.

And I can't get off these pills.... Total disaster.

It's been almost 3 months since this thread started.. Still flying, honey.

Regarding debts, there isn't much you can do. Personally, I wasted half my life and all my energy trying to talk one parent into being sensible about real estate that did nothing but pile up debt and prevent us from living like normal people. I tried to get them to start looking out for themselves, but I just burned through my youth doing it. I finally threw in the towel when someone told me straight up that they couldn't do anything because it was their property, and if they wanted to ruin themselves along with everything else, they had every right to. So, I left. I moved into a rental, got a job, and eventually took out a loan for my own place. Once I accepted that the situation wasn't in my hands—since I didn't create the mess in the first place—I could finally offer advice to anyone asking. Now, the property sits empty and won't sell, while I pay my own mortgage. My parent is in a nursing home because they never looked after themselves. Naturally, I have to help fund the facility financially. But I regret not realizing sooner that you can't force logic onto parents who simply don't possess it. You have to start building your own life; I did it just like thousands of others. Don't waste another second of your life or energy trying to convince them. As for the mediocrity, the failure to reach your potential, and the lack of drive... I'm dealing with that in therapy. Anxiety. For you, though, there's still time. Twenty-nine is incredibly young. You can do anything, you just don't realize it yet.

Justin Richardson said:I know I don't really respect myself.
When I think about my anxiety, or this constant sense of being depressed, and I look back at all my relationships throughout my life—it's pretty obvious I never actually built up any self-respect (or self-confidence, obviously).
It’s always felt weird to me how other people seem to have at least a little more self-esteem than I do. How did they learn it, and why, honestly, haven't I developed it?

Do you guys think psychotherapy could actually make a difference here?
I guess it's probably a long road to get to something like that...

I was listening to a therapist on a podcast recently, and one thing stuck with me. If, for instance, your father was cold and critical toward you, that dynamic eventually becomes your internal dialogue. That's it. Your relationship with a parent becomes your personality. That's where I am. I don't trust myself, I'm incredibly self-critical, I'm cold to myself, I demand too much, and I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Naturally, I'm going to therapy. It's grueling. But at least you understand the origin of it all—why we turned out the way we did.
Someone else made us this way. They didn't know any better. But changing it? That's the hard part.

Donna Doyle2 said:Look, you and I aren't friends, and we probably won't be either since we see things so differently, and that's fine—whatever works for you! But I really feel like you're exaggerating here, or at the very least, you haven't quite grasped what I was trying to say.

You call it "nagging," "draining," or "insulting," but to me, it's simply being there for someone I truly care about. And I mean *truly* care, not just "doing my duty" because it's expected. When I genuinely feel for someone, that kind of support doesn't drain me; it actually fills my tank with energy! Besides, I would never build a relationship (aside from family, which is more of a given) based on convenience—where I'm only around when life is easy and fun, but the second things get heavy and you aren't "normal" anymore, I just bail.

Plus, when someone feels unconditional support, calmness, and love from the other side, they tend to calm down themselves and lose the need to act so hysterical. Of course, there will still be outbursts, but over time—months and years—those moments will start to fade.

That is the only way I see someone being able to "help" (by helping themselves, really). As for your comment about me thinking I can just say the right words and find the perfect solution—you completely misunderstood me! I am literally saying that such a thing doesn't exist and is impossible. Trying to offer solutions to someone in that state is one of the worst things you can do. (And honestly, that's exactly what most incompetent psychologists do!)

And wait, where on earth did I ever say I thought my sister was being malicious just because she called me out? She’s totally off the hook, and I made it super clear before that we aren't responsible for each other's actions just because we share the same parents, right?

I actually had a job back in the day that was pretty similar to this, but I ended up walking away from it—not because the work itself was draining, because honestly, I loved it and it never felt heavy, but because I just couldn't sit there and watch my coworkers and the manager treat people so poorly! And can you believe they even had advanced degrees in psychotherapy? They had zero empathy, and since that kind of behavior didn't feed their souls, they just burned out completely, so now they only stick around for the paycheck and to vent their frustrations by playing "tough boss" over those poor, vulnerable people.

Finding a truly great psychologist is such a massive challenge, isn't it? I haven't met a single one who actually fits the bill yet, and let's be real, they are incredibly expensive! You end up throwing money at someone who just pushes directive approaches and "one-size-fits-all" solutions that might sound logical to them, but have absolutely nothing to do with who you actually are. It's just not the answer, at least not for me!

That's why I really have to disagree with you when you say that someone who genuinely loves you won't be able to help you more than a professional could—I mean, there is just no way! Only people who actually radiate peace, love, calmness, and patience are even capable of helping anyone else through something.

That simply isn't true. You went through a breakup when you were young and immature.
If you spend years complaining about a bad marriage while a friend listens to you until five in the morning out of "love," she isn't helping you—she's doing you a massive disservice and feeding her own pathology. You won't change as long as there is someone there nodding along, telling you how right you are and how unfair the world is, or how your husband just doesn't get it... blah, blah, blah.
A psychologist is trained and emotionally detached; they can judge when you need the blunt truth and when you just need to vent. A professional knows how to set boundaries so they don't become a literal trash can for your problems, and to ensure you don't just keep spinning in circles.

Brandon Newman95 said:Yeah, sure, but have you guys noticed how much more proactive women are being lately? Like, they’re actually choosing men now, making the first move, taking charge... it's different. For all the good stuff about living in the 21st century, there's definitely a flip side to it too.

I haven't seen that. Where I am, the patriarchy is still going strong. Women with degrees and solid careers are still being treated as subordinates to men, both at work and at home. There are exceptions, sure, but they're the exception, not the rule.

Brandon Newman95 said:Just run. You have your own life and career; call him once in a while and set boundaries.
He's going to blame you for everything. Focus on yourself. You'll hear stories like this all the time. You're an adult, and you have the right to make your own choices; let them deal with their own mess however they see fit. And has anyone else noticed how much more common it is lately for women to be the ones leaving, rather than men? It feels like people are getting more aggressive too. Every story has two sides to it.

The reality is simply that women aren't financially dependent anymore, so they aren't stuck in bad relationships.
That's all there is to it. That's why they leave. In the past, they just had to endure it.

Megan Flores6 said:Hey everyone,

I’m 25, living my own life and working my own job here in the States, but I find myself driving back to my hometown almost every weekend. My dad lives there, and since my mom walked out on him this past summer, things have gone south fast. My dad was never really the "warm and fuzzy" type, but he always showed love for my sisters and me—especially me, being the youngest. Since my older sisters are married and settled with their own families now, I’ve basically become his only lifeline. I’ve always been closer to him than to my mother, and we used to talk every single day. But ever since she left, he calls me multiple times a day just to drain me with his endless venting and wild conspiracy theories. He’s convinced the whole world is out to get him, and he constantly accuses me of being my mother's "little spy." There are times when he gets under my skin so deeply that I lose control—I end up screaming and throwing things around the room. Then, predictably, he’ll apologize and promise it won't happen again, but we both know that’s a lie. To put it bluntly, it’s emotional abuse. I’m at a total loss because nothing I’ve tried seems to change the dynamic. Honestly, with everything going on in my family, I feel completely drained of any will to live; I just want to disappear. I even told him that. Today is Friday, and we had another blowout the second I stepped through the front door. Part of me knows I should probably stop coming home, but I’m paralyzed by the fear that something terrible might happen to him if I stay away.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? I could really use some advice... thanks.

He’s lost, and you’re the only one left. You're carrying the guilt, feeling like you have to let him pull you under like a drowning man. Your job is to ensure you don't become like him—out of control. You need to focus on yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries so you don't let those "drowning" people drag you down with them. It's dangerous. You aren't responsible for others; you are only responsible for your own actions. The same applies to him. This is your burden to carry. It's a common struggle for those raised to be rescuers.

Terry Lopez18 said:Good grief, did they all attend some sort of seminar on toxic parenting together?🤣
Mine constantly repeats that line right alongside the other one: "No one will love you as much as Mom does."

My therapist always brings up one specific point: if you spend all your energy looking after everyone else, who is actually left to look after you?

Mine used to say the exact same thing.

Christian Kelly51 said:My family situation is just... complicated, to say the least. My brother lives with his aunt, who has a disability, so he helps take care of her. He can't really move out because they're both financially tied to one another. (And if things ever go south, I guess there's a chance all three of them could end up leaning on me.) FML☕

Ugh, you're in a tough spot. I spent ten years as a hostage to a situation just like this. It'll make you sick. You have to focus on saving yourself first. Find some support—and make sure it's yours alone. You're going to need it. Please, if there's any way you can, get out.

Christian Kelly51 said:Thanks for the advice, everyone!

I figured I had to drop the news on her like a bombshell. Given how she’s been acting lately, there wasn't really any other way to handle it. If I hadn't, I probably would've lost my mind, because I'm pretty sure those three months while I was hunting for an apartment would have been nothing but non-stop crying.

As for my brother... at first glance, it seems like he's taking Mom's side. His whole argument is that I'm just wasting money and that I should probably just put it toward renovating this place instead. Yeah, right... But in the end, he tells me it's my call and my life. I guess even he doesn't quite get that I just want some peace, freedom, and to be on my own, you know? Just independence.

I'm honestly curious to see how things play out over the next few days.

Suggest he takes Mom in instead; a change of scenery might do her good. You need to experience living on your own, and you'll save money too. He and Mom stay together, everyone's happy.🤣
Why haven't you ever suggested that to him?

Christian Kelly51 said:Thanks for the advice. 🙂

Whatever I've tried saying to reach her so far, it just doesn't fucking work.

The apartment is about a 15-20 minute walk from her place.
I told her I'd come by every day, that I'd cover all her utilities, and that I'd come over once a week to clean up and vacuum, etc. I said whenever she cooks lunch, she can call me over. I even mentioned I'll make family dinners so she and my brother can come to my place (he lives on his own too). I even told her I'd come over to sleep over a few times a week.

I'm staying firm. My new place is already paid for and there's no turning back. I move in 5 days. 🙂

Man, this isn't good, but I get why you had to do it just to save yourself and calm her down.
Honestly, if she's 70 and dealing with depression and hysteria, she sounds exactly like my mother.
You need to put her on the waiting list for a state-run assisted living facility immediately. Just have the option ready. Because it will come to that.

State facilities cost around $2,800. There's community, medical care, they get haircuts, doctors, nurses, cooked meals. She won't be alone, there's TV, and someone is actually supervising. They act completely differently there, believe me; they actually listen and stay active.
Of course, she'll lash out at you for suggesting it, but don't play games with this. When my mother ran out of people to drain, she collapsed—mentally and physically. They never learned how to take care of themselves because they always had a child to blame for everything and demand service from. She refused to apply for a facility. She just shut herself in the house, stopped moving, sat in front of the TV in the dark, and her body and mind just withered away.

Now we pay for private care, because the waitlists for state facilities are ten years long. Even the mediocre ones in Chicago—shared bathrooms, ancient furniture, three or four people to a room—have three-year waits. You aren't finding anything decent for under $5,000. Don't be unprepared. If she ends up bedridden... I see you have a brother. (He questions everything—is he always this combative, or is that just your role in the family?), but I assume you were raised to be the one to save Mom while he lives his life. If you aren't careful, you'll end up stuck nursing a depressed, sick mother and putting your entire life on hold.

Christian Kelly51 said:Quick update:

The drama has already kicked off. There’s been a lot of crying about how I’m wasting money on rent when I technically have a place to live right here. She even brought her brother over to try and stage an intervention to talk me out of it. My wife was crying for hours last night.

I’m honestly at a loss. She’s trying to make me feel guilty, but I know I need my own space, and the lease is already a done deal anyway.

EDIT:
Now she’s saying she might kill herself because she doesn't know how she'll cope once I've moved out.

She won't. She'll survive. I've been through all of this. Honestly, it's better for both of you if you separate. I know plenty of people who have dealt with this exact thing—suicide threats and all that nonsense—but eventually, they find something else to occupy their time. They have to get moving again.
If you stay, she'll just drag you down into her depression because it's easier for her that way.
You have to take care of yourself first. Build a stable, healthy life for yourself so that if she ever truly needs help, you're actually in a position to provide it. If you sink with her now, you'll both go under.
You need to be firm and decisive right now; that's the only way she'll settle down.
If she senses you're wavering, the manipulation and the threats will only escalate.
Good luck.

Robin White2 said:I joined this Reddit specifically because of certain people in the Psychic community. They are resilient, insightful, and clearly handle life's various challenges and illnesses with grace. I enjoy reading their perspectives and seeing how they navigate difficult situations. I hope to develop that same level of composure one day. Your posts often provide the exact sense of comfort and hope I need. My thanks to all the wonderful, open-minded people posting here.

Yeah. Someone has always already survived what you're currently walking through, and they can show you the exit. There are some genuinely brilliant, resilient people here that I'd probably never cross paths with in real life.

Carol Richardson6 said:Thanks for the input, everyone. Honestly, I expected as much... it all just boils down to me being a little spoiled.

Not quite. You were just poorly raised. No one taught you how to be independent or socialize properly. You're just fearful. Most likely, your parents were the same way.

Jack Jones61 said:Here’s the breakdown of who is recommended to get vaccinated—chronic asthma is definitely on that list, though it isn't free:
https://www.cdc.gov/flu/prevent/index.html

The cost is roughly $20.

Can I just go to my primary care doctor and ask them to give me the shot? $6.75It's not much. But I've never been vaccinated before, and I've heard you can get sick from the vaccine itself. Is that actually true?
Thanks.